This is not an unfamiliar feeling. It is one I have not felt in a long time.
Heck, it’s even hard to write this. I find myself typing out sentences and then deleting them. My brain is wracked with thoughts on how to articulate what it is like to be depressed. There are so many clinical definitions of what depression is supposed to look like but the reality is further from any of those.
Many of the days I have playout like Groundhog Day, where it’s as if the same day is playing itself out over and over again. In the words of Nyles from Palm Springs, “ Today, tomorrow, yesterday, it’s all the same.” I wait on calls from friends who eventually don’t call, screen my calls, or constantly reschedule with me. I find myself wanting to go outside less and less, drinking far more coffee than one should, and generally being apathetic in a majority of the interactions I have. It feels as if there is no forward momentum in what I have tied the idea of self-worth to. For so many years that was my job, every job I had was one I took pride in, and all of the momentum I had found in finding that self-worth instantly vanished when COVID hit.
The question now is, where do I go from here? How do I redefine what self-worth looks like to me? What projects should I actually finish? How do I articulate this to people when they ask, “how’s it going?”
I hope in the near future I find answers to these questions, and maybe I’ll use this blog as a way to keep folks updated. I mean, I am looking for a project after all. Remember, ask people how they are truly doing, listen, offer resources if you can’t give advice, and be an ally to those who struggle with their mental health.
Thanks for reading.
